The New Year is just days old and from what I can see, many of you have made resolutions to get in shape. That includes memberships to a local fitness clubs like, let’s say, Defined Fitness. So to help all of you fitness newbies with some health club etiquette, I have compiled a brief and by no means exhaustive list of suggestions that will make yours and my visit more enjoyable.
1. The shower is for washing your body, not blowing your nose.
2. Cheap cologne and after-shave (and even expensive cologne and after-shave) do not mix well with the steam room.
3. You may think you look cool flexing in front of the bathroom mirrors, but everyone else thinks you are an idiot.
4. Speedo style swimwear should not to be worn by anyone who is more than 2 ounces overweight.
5. Speedo style swimwear should not to be worn with any kind of gold chain.
6. You do not need to use hair product before you go work out.
7. The benches in the locker room are for you to sit on while you get dressed or undressed. They are not your personnel clothes horse. Your allotted spaces is roughly the width of your butt.
8. Paying four dollars for a glorified Snickers bar is dumb.
9. Paying six dollars for a glorified carton of chocolate milk is even dumber.
10. When all of the lanes in the pool are taken, you are supposed to share. Don’t pretend you do not see me standing waiting for a lane.
11. If your application of spray deodorant, hair product or foot powder resembles the launch of the space shuttle, please make sure that no one else is in the immediate area of the blast zone.
12. The steam room and dry sauna should be treated like shrines as in you sit down and keep quiet. Discussions of your threesome the night before, or political name dropping are usually not appropriate.