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Asshole Neighbors, they are everywhere

So, it was suggested by a post in my last blog that I write a blog about Asshole Neighbors, I guess I should just breakdown and write a whole series on these, which I am more than likely to do. When the suggestion was made, I didn't really have any grips or complaints about my neighbors, they all seem like really nice people for the most part, although, the neighbors to the north of me think my roommate and I are gay, while the ones to the South of me think I have a small family, I guess that is what happens when you have a wide range of friends that come over all the time, it's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. So without further ado, here is my blog about Asshole Neighbors, this comes with a disclaimer however, not all the people I will mention in this blog are current neighbors, some are ones I have had in the past.

First off, you have the, Man I am Billy Badass when I drink guy. You know who you are, you are usually the guy with the suped up old style Camero, Mustang, or some other out dated piece of shit car that no one but your girlfriend with the black eye or mullet thinks is cool. You are the one that plays 80's hair band music at full volume on Sunday mornings, while you are outside with no shirt on in 50 degree weather, with your over sized belly hanging out of your wife beater, or if you are feeling really sexy, no shirt at all. You are also the guy who gets drunk, and then decides to go screaming at someone in the front yard of your house at 2 am because they turned off your, Now That's What I Call Music Now 657 cd. Thanks for bringing your low life friends and family members into our otherwise peaceful neighborhood, but at least if my TV goes missing, I will have a pretty good idea of where it is at! This guy wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for his family, who tend to have sucidial emo kids who run around the neighborhood tagging crap and making sure that peaceful nights are filled with the sounds of Ambulences that are coming to yet again do what the parents should be doing, which is saving their kids life by actually paying ATTENTION TO THEM!!

Next, we have the, I Will Just Blow My Leafs Into The Other Guys Yard Guy, hey thanks for not only blowing your leafs into my yard, but for your broken down pieces of shit cars or trucks you have in your front yard leaking oil everywhere!!! Nothing says come and lower the land value like a good oil stain in what used to be grass. I don't want to live next to a NAPA autoparts store, thanks though. This is also the person who puts notes on your door signed, Concerned Neighbor when your dog is barking at the other dogs during their Matlock Marathon at 6:30 on a Sunday afternoon, hey guess what, I am sorry that my dog is a young dog that likes to chew on things and has to stay outside during the day, but your note would have more of an impact IF YOU SIGNED YOUR NAME TO IT!!!

This brings me to the Concerned Neighbor, I hate these people most of all, they are the ones that you can always see looking at you through their windows when you get home, know your entire schedule, and are the ones that complain about your dog being outside at 5:30 on a workday, must be nice to be retired. These people would be useful if they didn't always manage to fall asleep right when someone is backing a U Haul into your driveway and taking all your stuff, hey thanks for being so concerned and then failing so badly at the one thing you might be useful for. Also, these are the people that want to have a Neighborhood association formed when they don't get elected president of some old fart club they are apart of and want something new so they can still feel like they serve a purpose. Problem is, they always want to restrict people from doing things to their own home, hey guess what, I paid 230k for my house, if I want to dance around naked on the roof top I will. Or if I want to build a 15 foot tall, 6 foot wide brick wall defense against the zombie attack fence around my house, I will, and then when they attack, I will write a note that says, I guess you should have been more concerned about your own home than mine, and I will sign it, Sincerely, A Concerned Neighbor!

Did I miss anyone.....oh yeah wait, then there is That Guy, you all know the one I am talking about. The one with the surround sound system so loud it blows off women's clothes, the guy with the cool ass cars and the hot lady friends, the guy with the PS3, the HD system, and the big ass TV. I don't really hate this guy, I am just pissed that I am not him. Fucking overachievers!

All and all I am pretty lucky, I have some good neighbors, but there are those asshole ones that seem to ruin it for everyone else. The buzz kills, the peeping toms, the Concerned Neighbors. The asshole Coworkers are more than likely the Asshole Neighbors, since they all boil down to one thing, people who are more concerned about what other people are doing than what they themselves should be doing. If everyone would just leave each other alone in negative ways, the world would be a much better place. Again, I know this seemed like a negative blog, but if it made you laugh great, if it didn't, get a sense of humor you Asshole Neighbor:)

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Comment by Jessie on December 17, 2007 at 2:56pm: So... let me get this straight. You park your barking dog in your back yard all day, and your neighbor is the asshole for letting you know it's annoying? Hmm.

Comment by Internet Jedi on December 17, 2007 at 3:31pm: You crate your animals don't you?

Comment by Jolly Giant on December 17, 2007 at 4:02pm: As long as the dog isn't biting anyone she should be allowed to be outside. If the dog is destroying property if she is inside then i say let her be outside, and if the neighbors have a problem with that, maybe they could dog sit, let the dog destroy their shit. Maybe they would change their minds about a little barking. Besides its your house, your yard what right do they have to tell you what to do in it.

Comment by statler and waldorf on December 17, 2007 at 4:26pm: Bad spellers, they are everywhere.

Comment by Internet Jedi on December 17, 2007 at 4:30pm: Bad spellers, they are everywhere. Quoted for Truth. I will be sure to spell check from now on before posting anything, didn't realize I was being graded.

Comment by Michael P. "Martini Mike" D'Arco on December 17, 2007 at 4:43pm: Wow. Great piece. I have so much to say about it. I have waited for this day to vent. I could be here awhile.

Sorry if I resemble the overachiever but let me remind you all I lived in a tent 10 years ago & underachievers stole it along with everything inside it. I said "resemble"... I'm married but there seems to be a group of women leaving on Saturday mornings. Hmmm... friends don't let friends drink & drive, houseguests, early visitors too. So if there is a nosey neighbor here they are enjoying this scenario that we laugh about every time. “Martini Mike, fake pimp”.

And on to some fun neighbors I've had...
"Mail stealer" was the neighbor who thought burglars would think they weren't home if I didn't get my junk mail. Both boxes were on his house because... same landlord & my rental was behind his. I had a P.O. box (still do) for real mail. Think the Post Office police care? HELL NO. "Only if they are holding your mail for ransom".
Same guy liked to eaves drop at the fence between our backyards.

Then there's the fake "welcome to the neighborhood" people. Willing to help you out anytime... yah, right. That was before they figured out you were olive complected & 1/2 hispanic. This douche also used to eaves drop in the backyard. Yes, I know this smart guy. No wonder his PI license was revoked 3 times. We think he stole our cat too. He was also the pathological liar. He told 1/2 the neighbors he was a millionaire & the other 1/2 he was a cop. If you’re reading this & think it resembles you then it’s true huh?

And the piece de resistance... the “bad pet owners”!
Just so we can get back on track with the arguing that was starting in the comments. Guess what shitheads?

§ 9-2-4-7 ANIMAL NOISE.
No person shall allow an Animal to persistently or continuously bark, howl or make noise common to its species to the extent that it causes a nuisance or as otherwise prohibited by this Chapter. This provision shall not apply to public Zoos and approved and properly zoned Animal Shelters as defined by this article

10 minutes consistently is a nuisance, annoyance, against the law.
1- "Talk to the neighbor." I won't do this again that's for sure. I'll come back to this.
2- Complain to Animal Services
3- Take them to court on your own dime.

Well I spoke with this (in my opinion) evil bitch & her little whipped boyfriend twice nicely. Over the course of months I listened to this “troubled pet” bark at everything day & night. The 3rd time I had to hear "it's a dog! dogs bark! You show me a law! I dare you to go to the city asshole!" She was special. I went to the city. She told them I was lying. Here's where it gets good. Then she started telling everyone from her landlord to neighbors that we were involved in illegal activities & such. She even staged an episode where she could call the fire dept. on herself, claim it was us, call the police to say I'm harassing her & tell them we were criminals!!!! We had to hire a lawyer to serve them with a cease & desist letter for libel/slander! She incidentally was the nosey neighbor too … always sitting on her porch chain smoking and watching. I believe she is now an unlicensed social worker… yay kids!

We decided it was time to sell our house. (for double, thanks. Oh, and tax free) It was out of hand. That dog is STILL BARKING!!! I don’t miss that end of Fringecrest. Kiss my ass.

New house- we don't hang out with the neighbors. We have met, we wave. Good fences make good neighbors. Whew. I feel better. Thanks.

Comment by Michael P. "Martini Mike" D'Arco on December 17, 2007 at 4:59pm: Also looking forward to your "Asshole Boss" blog! So I can tell you all about a guy I somehow worked for 5 years at TVI.

Comment by Sally on December 17, 2007 at 5:44pm: Ditto on the great write. You fill a void here and bring a single tear to my eye.
Search www.cabq.gov, as it has some good online reporting capabilities, like for barking dogs or abandoned vehicles. Them reading and/or acting on those reports seems to be another issue.