How American is the NFL? Time to get right!
Spending a Sunday afternoon watching that most American of sports—football—might lead one to wonder how the subversive, divisive forces of diversity are subtly working their way into the minds of patriotic Americans.
And of course, I’m talking about real football here, not that foreign imitation that’s played with—of all things—a round ball, and doesn’t even provide sufficient breaks for a decent beer commercial. That round ball may seem innocent enough, but is it a symbol of creeping globalism?
There can be no doubt that teams like the Patriots and the Eagles are All-American. And who could question the Cowboys? But some of these team names make you wonder how American the NFL really is.
Take the Lions or the Bengals. These are not American animals. Sure, there are American “lions”—mountain lions—but the Detroit team logo leaves no doubt that these are foreign lions. Maybe it’s no accident that Detroit has been taking a back seat to foreign cars all these years (not to mention losing a lot of football games). As for the Bengals: are we ready to outsource football to Delhi? I don’t think so.
Same thing with the Panthers. There are arguably American panthers, but they are not black. And Jaguars? Let’s get real. The only jaguars in America sneak across the border from Mexico.
Now, some of your other animal teams are just fine. Bears? American as apple pie, even if they do appear on the California flag. Rams? Hell, yeah. Broncos and Colts? Well, horses came from Spain, but they’ve been here long enough to be considered true American animals. Dolphins? A little too migratory for my taste, and football is played on American soil, not international waters.
Besides the Eagles, birds of prey are A-OK. But Cardinals? Come on. They might be American, but if one ever got hit by a flying football, it could get knocked clear to Canada. If you want to name a team after a bird, go with something like Falcons, Seahawks, or even Ravens.
And then there are these teams with names that are just a little strange. The Browns? Weird, but named after an American, so fair enough. Same with the Buffalo Bills, and that bison logo is plenty American. The Chargers? Well, most chargers these days are made in China, in case you haven’t noticed. Giants? Titans? These creatures aren’t American. They come from foreign stories, brought to you by liberal arts. The 49ers are a different story. These hard-drinking guys helped take America away from the Mexicans while in pursuit of gold. How they let San Francisco get away from them, I have no idea, but they’ve earned their berth.
The Jets: America has air superiority, for now, so no problem there. It’s still the sound of freedom.
Then there are the Buccaneers and the Raiders. Piracy used to be based in the Caribbean and Africa, but these days it’s all about Somalia. Nothing American there.
The Redskins and the Chiefs? Indian reservations are foreign nations, period. And the Saints? Sounds Catholic, and that means Roman.
The Steelers: our steel comes from Asia, so let’s get with the 21st century. At least Houston got rid of the Oilers and now calls themselves Texans, since our oil comes from Arabs. The Packers? Well, cheese is mostly French.
But worst of all is the Vikings. Vikings come from Scandinavia, and Scandinavia is all about socialism. We can’t let socialists take over football! Can you imagine? The combination of salary caps and taxes would take the profit motive right out of the game, with ruinous effect.
The final score?
True red white and blue: 15
(Patriots, Eagles, Cowboys, Bears, Rams, Broncos, Colts, Falcons, Seahawks, Ravens, Browns, Bills, 49ers, Texans, Jets)
Foreign influence: 15
(Vikings, Lions, Bengals, Panthers, Jaguars, Chargers, Giants, Titans, Buccaneers, Raiders, Redskins, Chiefs, Steelers, Packers, Saints)
Neither here nor there: 2
If this doesn’t disturb you, you’re just not paying attention, or maybe you should follow your job to Asia and work for 15 cents a day. (See how many NFL tickets that’ll buy you.) It’s long past time for the NFL to get its house in order, or start calling itself the World Football League, and I’ll leave it to you to figure out how to pronounce that acronym. Suffice to say that football it ain’t.
But before you head to the fridge to grab a cold one to help you figure this out, consider: America’s biggest importer of foreign rice is, sadly, Anheuser Busch. That’s right, it’s basically Asian beer, so it’s not going to help you solve this crisis.
If it feels like America is coming apart at the seams, this should be all the evidence you need. America for Americans! Please forward this message to the NFL and your Congressman today!